Thursday, February 23, 2017

Jack's Cognitive Compartmentalization

A black hole is a super dense object. Its gravitation pull is of such high magnitude that it is aptly named as a black hole and not a peach hole or a sparkly rainbow hole.

You first feel a small but powerful black hole at the center of your heart. That sinking feeling in  your heart? That is the top of your heart getting too close to the black hole while trying to pump blood to your overclocking yet barely productive brain and trying frantically to pull back to its original place. Rinse and repeat for 86 times a minute.

When you have an overclocking brain, everything happens at a slowed down and detached pace.

You think you would get used to this sinking feeling, or better- you hope it would stop. You are Jack's lying subconscious.

You repeat the lie enough times, even your subconscious self starts to believe in it.

The black hole slowly but surely starts to expand, losing its density by the order of 3 for every unit it expands. You are fairly certain that now it looks like a purple ball dipped in mud of a surprise shower in April. It expands to a point that it perfectly fits the inside of the heart and puts an imaginary pressure on the slimy and bloody ventricles but you are 94.9% sure that the sensory input is real.

All of a sudden, like a conscious being with a short term memory loss, reminded by the heart's systolic and diastolic contractions, the black hole begins to expand and contract with the same rhythm as the heart. When it contracts, it feels like the slightly under-powered black hole is pulling the opposite ends of ventricles towards each other and as time passes you wonder if your heart every knew how to contract before the onset of this moderately difficult situation.

You are sure that this will not continue for long,

Mostly because you are certain that your heart can't take any more of these shear forces.

Except that the end is never in sight. The tunnel never ends. The grass is brown on both sides of the fence. Weightlessness is an illusion. Hawking's radiation is real.

Seasons change, people move in and out of your ever shrinking mind space. The color of the black hole slowly changes to brown to blue to brown to blue to purple to blue to grey to orange to grey to a transparent with distinct spots of yellow, like a shitty glass work by a native artisan community of wherever. The spots disappear too.

You can't feel the thing in your heart anymore but you don't miss it because you know that it is there. Waiting to relapse, patiently, like a cheetah towards its end of stamina waiting with enough energy left for one last lunge towards its prey.

Thursday, February 2, 2017

Things I have learned today - Part 17

1. Flipkart complained that non-Indian entities like Amazon are taking over Indian jobs, revenue and market share in India. If Flipkart is so concerned about Indians losing jobs, why are all the models in its lingerie section non-Indian? 

2. Last year I had a crush on a cute girl in my apartment complex. During the new year's eve she was handing out candy to everyone and asked me if I wanted some. I didn't even respond to her because I ignore all my candy crush requests

3. I think zombies must be blind in one eye. They always claw the air while running towards their prey, only a lack of depth perception can explain that

4. Every time I go to starbucks, I run into at least one girl wearing a superman/batman tshirt

5. Why is the word bae still in use? It sounds like an illiterate gorilla calling its illegitimate son for breakfast at 8:30 PM

6. Female spiders would take forever to put on their eye make up

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Problems with an Arranged Marriage

(I don't want to tell you how you should live your life, but you can click on this image for a bigger version)

Thursday, December 25, 2014

Things I have learned today - Part 16

If there is a baby in a car and there is no "baby on board" sticker on the car, did the big bang really happen? Seriously, what is with people who advertise that a drunk midget is in the back of their car? How would it possibly affect me?
Just when I am coming to terms with this dumbassery, a new bumper sticker which says "Mother to be onboard" is going viral. What makes you think that anyone would possibly care that you had unprotected sex? At this exact moment there are 11,457,297 'mothers to be' just in India. You are not one in a million, not even one-tenth in a million. No one cares about your unborn fetus, not even the little shit's dad.

Whenever some massacre happens in the world, all mainstream media outlets report it something similar to "Terrorist attack, 14 died including 4 women and 3 children". Why don't they report the number men who died too? Why do they always leave the math to men? I can still understand if they report the numbers of men and women and leave children out as it would serve as a practice word problem for the kids who are into Call of Duty. Also, is media sexist for not leaving the subtraction to women? Are they indirectly stating that women suck at math? Why leave men out? Is it because they are disposable and no one cares about them?

It is super easy to solve a rubik's cube if you are color blind.

I don't understand arranged marriages. A lot of people don't pre-order games/books stating that they would rather read the reviews before buying them, but they are perfectly fine with marrying a random person whom their parents's friend of friend  thought would be perfect match for them. Basically you are judging a book by its cover but you can not give specific preferences about the "cover" to your parents. What if "boobs" have a much higher weight in your rating model while "CGPA in bachelors" is the primary criteria for your parents?

What is more sad?

A: Are you coming to K's party?
B: No, I am not invited

A: Why didn't you come to K's party?
B: I wasn't invited

If you are a compulsive stalker and want to get paid for doing it, become a security guard at a TCS office.

Monday, November 10, 2014


Well, I am officially into my late twenties now and I am completely clueless on how to feel about this. I look back to see the things I have accomplished and my search yields "did you mean "things you thought you would do but never did"". Even after all that, I think that I have perfected some skills in life like to solve a Rubik's cube in under a minute or count backwards from 100 while skipping alternate prime numbers.

After completing 43% of my life on this planet, I feel very mortal, like Hitler who got accepted into the art school or Bin Laden who was raised by Mormons.

Sunday, September 14, 2014

Things I have learned today - Part 15

This post is sponsored by Monster energy drink, which is basically Red Bull, but for addicts. Last weekend I had experimented to see what would happen if I go on a strictly energy drink diet. These are a few points I could type down between the hour 45 and 45.25 -

  1. Why is the size 'L' called 'Large' instead of 'Little', you know a size smaller than 'Small'(S). Why isn't this a bigger problem? Why aren't more people getting confused with this convention? Hasn't enough time had passed to define these in the International System of Units? Now that I think about it, even bits and bytes aren't defined in the SI system. And we all act like this no big deal. AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!
  2. People are usually scared of ghosts, darkness, Cthulhu, commitment, Megalodon, hell, their ratings on innovation in their project performance, threesomes, killers with skull masks but are extremely courteous to call before breaking into your house, jokes involving Islam, Rakshabandhan and flash floods. But I have a fear since childhood which can easily top all of these. Imagine you are eating cheese popcorn while watching a movie and you drop some on your shirt. Now you casually pick it up and put it back in your mouth absentmindedly but it doesn't turn out to be popcorn. And it starts crawling in your mouth *gasp* *puke* I don't eat popcorn anymore.
  3. John McClain is efficient only after he gets beaten up and bleeds out of his left eyebrow. This is true for all the Die Hard movies.
  4. Whenever there is a debate about legalizing gay marriage, have two guys with names Adam and Steve on the panel just to mess with the homophobes. Whenever they go "It is Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve", the moderator should say "I am sorry, it is actually Adam and Steve" while pointing at them.
  5. In every party, there will be one obnoxiously loud woman who gets high on two bright colored sugary drinks and constantly wants validation and wallows in attention. You want to punch her in her face or call out on her bullshit, but you won't because you want to sleep with her friend.
  6. People who suffer with insomnia have a difficult time maintaining their dental hygiene. Mostly because they don't know when to brush/floss their teeth at night.  

Friday, August 15, 2014

Things I have learned today - Part 14

  • A girl in my office has a rainbow-sparkle resting face. If you think bitchy resting face is bad, this is worse than a 3 foot tapeworm in your large intestine. Last week when I was walking back to my desk from pantry, this girl was walking towards me with this happy-dent-self-luminous smile on her face. Distracted by my thoughts on sassy penguins, I casually returned a smile to her. She had abruptly stopped her smile and turned it into a questionmark with a slight hint of 'who-are-you'. Only then I had realized that she wasn't greeting me. She needs medical help or rehab or both.
  • Talking about office etiquette, when a person you know is walking towards you in the office aisle, when is the right time to acknowledge their presence and greet them? I made a schematic diagram for this analysis - 
  • What surprises me is that anyone can breed. Someone who has a doctorate in sub atomic energy distribution across quantized harmonics of electrons has the same right to have an offspring as a meth addict with 3 kids dead due to neglect and 4 being raised in foster homes. There should be a standardized qualification exam which the parents have to take right after the woman realizes that she is pregnant. If they fail to qualify, the woman should abort the child. Let the hate flow through the comments.
  • Wishing luck to your peers before an exam statistically decreases your grade if you are graded on a curve
  • 66.67% honesty is the foundation of all relationships
  • Why aren't bras made of brass?

Friday, May 23, 2014

Things I have learned today - Part 13

  • Jean Grey of X men doesn't need a push up bra, Cyclops is perpetually color blind, Mystique can make low budget multi-starer movies, Pyro would die of hypothermia if stranded in a rain forest and Only Jean/Storm push Professor X's wheel chair around. I wonder why; especially when the professor has telekinesis.
  • I don't understand why suicide is illegal. The only people who get convicted of this are the ones who fail at it. It is like the government saying - "If you are so dumb that you can't even kill yourself, you should not be allowed to breed"
  • Attractive doctors should't specialize in erectile dysfunction. It would be like trying to check the fuel level in your car with a lighter.
  • By the time I turn 50, the prime minister of India would have shared Yo Yo Honey Singh's videos on Facebook and would have watched at least two seasons of Big Boss. I am not sure if I am comfortable with that. 
  • I suspect that I might have become dumber in the past couple of years. I started to think in smaller sentences now.
  • It has been long since I posted here.I convinced myself that I am having a writer's block, that I don't have time, that I should buy a nazar raksha kawach, that I am not immature anymore, that I used up all my creative juice over a pointless office game but the truth is that I am being Manmohan Singh. Whipped from all directions.
  • I don't understand how can someone be rude to a complete stranger. What if the stranger turns out to be a serial killer who starves his victims to death so that he could stir fry his victims eye balls without adding butter?
  • When you die no one is going to remember your memories. Pensieve doesn't count.
  • When something is easy, people tend to say "It is a cake walk". I don't get it. I tried walking on cakes last weekend and it is fucking difficult; I smashed my face onto the floor seven times. The icing tasted decent though.

Friday, February 21, 2014

The end?

It has been long since I had posted here.  In my defense it has been long since I had an insomniac episode, edging caffeine crash and felt pointless at the same time.

After a long day in office, I often think about the bigger picture. Sometimes it gets out of control and I think about the universe as a whole. Like today, I was again wondering about the scalability of the visible universe. The atoms have the same structure as the solar system which in turn has the same structure as the milky way.

Imagine if we are a billion/trilllion times smaller than we are now, I think it is possible that at that scale what we perceive as a galaxy can be a simple electron which we see at our current size. Similarly if we were many times times larger, our galaxy might appear as an atom. I am not sure where I am going with this theory, but I wanted to show how the things we perceive are so narrow and we can not fathom to truly understand the size of the universe as we don't know which scale we should be looking at.

looking at

It is funny that the answer is right in front of us all the time. If we believe in our classical understanding of distance, the universe must end some where; except it doesn't. So obviously, what we perceive as a 3 dimensional space is a wrong representation of the universe. What we perceive is only a fraction of all the dimensions which can define the universe. Our eyes are evolved due to mutations to better suit the environment we lived in, to help us survive. "To perceive the universe" was definitely not a factor which would influence the early photo-sensitive cells for the organism's survival.

Simply put - we can not ever perceive the true shape & size (if at all these are the legit metrics to define it) of the universe because we are not built to do it. To give you an even simpler example, we can not use a plastic spoon to broadcast radio signals as it is clearly not built to interact with the radio waves. I am going to end this before I go into a caffeine crash.

Saturday, October 5, 2013

Quotes from the past

For some reason I had to sanitize my facebook history yesterday and I had compiled all the quotes which I found as funny as my 4 year younger self did.

  • If cricket is a religion, I would still be an athiest.
  • A dead cat is funnier than a LOL cat.
  • What are you? A toothfairy's pimp?
  • Poor integers, they are separated by infinite real numbers and to top it, they face identity crisis in their neighborhood.
  • A friend in need might be your adversary trying to mess with your productivity
  • I am a junkie. Hypothetically.
  • Midsem 7x05 - The one with a stupid bitch
  • Imagine the English language with out the F-word. Now imagine if all the women were flat-chested. Which one made you more sad?
  • Why do all aliens wear same clothes?
  • (to Please include invisibility feature in Gtalk by EOD. Thanks!
  • Searched my name in wiki leaks. Fortunately, no results were found. Yet.
  • Some one told me that if I want to hit on a colleague, I have to interact with her professionally first. I added her on LinkedIn.
  • If you develop a hypotheses matrix before hitting on a girl, you have a serious problem.
  • Isn't it ironic that the more facebook friends you have, the less actual friends you have?
  • (October 20, 2010) - Deleted Thanks for your time.
  • Why are most tablets circular? To avoid side-effects.
  • Did you know that one in every four ants is an elephant? a-leap-ant.
  • Found my 4th grade crush on facebook. And I poked her.
  • Girl next door saw me flipping off a dog. That ship has sailed.
  • A huge weight has been lifted off my head. Literally. #haircut
  • There is cream in a cream biscuit, but there ain't no dog in a dog biscuit
  • 60 pages of quiz preparation starts with a single page. And probably ends with the same page.
  • I couldn't sleep last night. even after listening to jigglypuff's song for an hour.
  • Operation Attend Classes-Which-Can-Not-Possibly-Fail-For-The-18th-time-in-a-row in is progress
  • Not all marriages are made in heaven. Some are made in defective condom boxes.
  • Dear facebook, there is a reason why I am not friends with that person with 82 mutual friends. Quit showing those suggestions
  • I gave BSOD to an ATM

Friday, February 8, 2013

Things I have learned today - Part 12

For a change, instead of jotting down the things I have learned, I am listing down the things that aren't so clear to me. I am not a clever man, please bear with me.
  • When someone says something funny over an IM or a text, do you say 'haha' or 'hehe'? Even if you decide to go with something, how many times do you repeat 'ha' or 'he'? Is the frequency proportional the intensity of funny the aforementioned IM/text is? Can we generalize it with the following equation?

  • When you give credit card to a waiter in a restaurant to pay your bill, how can you blindly trust that he doesn't copy your credit card number with its cvv code and doesn't use this information to feed his Meth addiction?  

  • I have seen a lot of people use 'Print this only if it is absolutely necessary' in their email signature. Why? Firstly who in their right mind prints emails? Even if they are out of their element, how can you expect them to read your lame signature and completely change their lunatic lifestyle of printing all the emails and physically archiving them? Get out of your smug cloud and shut the fuck up.

  • Why is HBO showing all day romantic movie marathon on Feb 14? Screw market research, don't they have minimal common sense that people who get influenced by this valentines day fad don't sit in front of their TVs that day? The only ones who stay back at home are the forever alone guys and ugly girls who are already depressed that they are going to die alone, showing romantic movies to them is like running in front of an amputee in a wheel chair and challenging him to a 100 meters sprint. With obstacles.

  • Infants are scary people. What goes on in their minds? Can they think? Do they think like dogs? Why do they feel so entitled? Don't they get bored doing nothing all day other than eating and pooping? Is training them in a Pavlovian way legal? Why do they sleep like they have built the whole world in 5 days?

Sunday, December 30, 2012

Things I have learned today - Part 11

  • Staying away from home has its advantages and disadvantages. The main advantage being you being able to drink the juice directly from its carton and the disadvantage being you having juice for brunch and dinner.
  • All girls with names Natasha, Namrata and Nikita are hot. I am yet to encounter a non-pretty girl with one of these names. This information is now obsolete as telephone directories don't exist no more for you to find the mother load of hot chicks.
  • I don't understand the need to party on new year's eve. What are we celebrating? The Earth almost completing its revolution around the Sun? But as bible says - Thy shalt not reason if it involves hot chicks getting drunk.
  • The world did not end on 21st December, neither did the stock markets crash as foretold in the movie 2012.  It was a lie all along. I think the only thing it might have done is increase the sales of pregnancy test kits in January 2013. It is still not too late to invest in Unipath Ltd (It manufactures the most popular pregnancy test in the USA)
  • It is amazing how much we trust other people for no reason. Like yesterday I was driving my bike on a highway, which was heavily crowded by heavy vehicles and the whole time I was figuring out what should I do if the guy driving the 16 wheeled vehicle in front of me suddenly swerved to the left for no apparent reason. How can you trust someone whom you don't even know not to make a stupid mistake when your life depends on it?

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Things I have learned today - Part 10

  1. Last week, I walked on my colleague who was browsing something embarrassing in office. Normally I wouldn't peek or pry on what shit people are browsing, but this guy had a peculiar uneasiness and was trying his best to cover the laptop screen with his back. After 5 seconds, he turned back to check if someone was watching and unfortunately he made an eye contact  with me before I could look away. He was flustered with embarrassment and immediately closed the browser all the while returning a confused smile on his face. He was browsing Orkut; I am sure he would have minded less if he was browsing porn. That would have been easier to explain.

  2. Talking about the awkward office moments, when do you say 'hi' to a person whom you know who walks towards you in an aisle? If you say it too soon, what will you do during all the time when the person is still in your field of vision? If you say it too late, the person might not acknowledge and you have to look around praying that no one noticed your fail.
    What if the person walks too fast? What if the person walks too slow? How much doppler effect is caused in this case? What if the person spaced out and doesn't acknowledge you? What if the person wants to stop and talk? This is way too much pressure to handle multiple times on a day to day basis.

  3. I bet Pediatricians are the butt of all doctor jokes. Too bad they can't shorten their specialty like other doctors do. I am sure there must be jokes out there like - 'A gastro, a cardio and a pedo walked into a bar and the bartender called up cops.'

  4. I really don't understand why people dance. I honestly have no clue about why people do it. Music, I can understand that it creates some kind of resonant pattern in your brain which releases some kind of relaxing or stimulating hormones. But dancing? Seriously? What does it accomplish? You can say that I feel alive when I dance in a really douchy tone. My reply would be - Balls. Moving your limbs and torso around just makes your heart beat faster and increases your blood flow to brain which makes you feel and experience more than what you do when you sit around and watch twilight movies. The same happens when you fucking exercise. Do you even lift

  5. I started being more organized in my day to day life to make it more mundane and lifeless. A good place to begin was a to-do list. I spent 15 minutes to come up with a list for the next week. The only items I could think of were 1) Wash socks 2)Emma Watson. 

  6. More than 90% of results in Biotech can be fudged with simple photoshop skills and still people take more than 5 years to complete their PhD in it. Okay, I may be myopic in my view here but I don't give a flying fuck. Plus, I have never heard a biologist going to jail by faking his thesis. 

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Odd are you are an integer, because you lack character

I don't usually post stuff which isn't mine in this blog, but I am more than willing to make an exception to present the case of the_str from reddit. Half drunk, he explains how your whole life might be just a part of a simulation. If you can not understand what he is saying in the front, jump to the blue text towards the end for the interesting part without any set up.

*(slightly modified)

This one might take a little while to explain. But I'm sort of drunk and I'm ready to divulge the secret truth about reality.
1) Remember that New York Times article a few years back, that discussed how a mathematician figured the odds are, we probably live in a computer simulation? (That's a blog post, can't find the original and don't care enough to search). This is the idea is that, in a sufficiently advanced civilization, computer simulations would be a fantastic method of predicting the future and planning out any course of action for the benefit of mankind. In fact, an advanced civilization would probably use simulations for everything. Politics, war, art, entertainment, scientific advancement. There would be an exponentially larger number of simulations than realities. Hence, we probably live inside one. Ok, I think I was vague enough with that. Moving on.
2) The technological singularity. You know about it. Maybe. It's the assumption that, given the predictable advancement of processor speeds, we will soon enough (2030 - 2090) have artificial intelligence that could surpass human intelligence. This intelligence would be able to improve itself faster than a human could, and technological growth would explode exponentially. Given number one up there, this could eventually mean a massive, trans-global AI system that could run a near infinite number of reality simulations.
You're already throwing up your hands. "the_str," you say, "What the fuck are you talking about? You are drunk." Yes. I am. But what I'm talking about isn't as simple as "We are living in a simulation created by a technological singularity." I'm saying there's physical evidence of this. In quantum physics, particles, events, and states exist in a kind of superposition. If I have an electron, there may be a 50% chance it has spin up, and a 50% chance it has spin down. The probability wave of that electron behaves as if it is both, until a concrete observation is made of the state by a conscious observer. WHAT? Yes. That's actually the way that physics works. (Physics people, please provide any correctsions below, as I am drunk and don't know enough to be more specific). Think for a second about what kinds of systems use randomization to approximate a set of physical states. Um, yeah. Simulations.
Ok, I know what you're thinking. "This fucking guy. Seriously." Well, I may be that fucking guy. But did you also know there's a physical limit to the granularity with which the universe can be observed? A size minimum? We are actually living inside a pixelated universe. Planck length and planck time are the limit of smallness that exists in our universe. They're super small, but they're not infinitely small. WTF. Why would a physical reality invent a minimum length, unless there was some teleology about INFORMATION LIMITATION. Why not use vectors? I don't fucking know. Maybe they're insufficient.
My version. In the long game (hundreds of thousands of years), if human civilizations fail to exterminate themselves, the level of technological advancement could increase to the point where a collective, trans-global intelligence begins running super-advanced universe simulations, limiting information slightly, compared to the level of information possible in a pristine, "true" reality.
So.... now, my point. We aren't just living in a simulation. We are living in a simulation, of a simulation, of a simulation. There is no top, and there is no bottom. And "we" actually means "me." It's recursive and fractal, and the loop may even close in on itself. A series of bracketed realities that create each other.
That doesn't make sense. How could a simulation create a reality that will eventually create it? Well, stranger things have happened. I'll tell you one of them. It's about human consciousness.
What is consciousness? We believe it's magic. For all of recorded history, civilizations have believed in the fucking spirit, the human soul and shit. There's a ghost that floats down into my body and gives it life. Well, no. Human consciousness is merely the belief that an information system is conscious. The most obvious evolutionary advantage of consciousness is that it allows a being to more accurately interpret the actions of other beings in its social environment. I see someone stabbing a bear, and I think "Oh shit, that person must have been attacked by that fucking bear," because I can reflect on situations where I have been attacked by shit. It's just perfectly logical. But it's not actual magic. If a system is made to believe it experiences qualia, there's no difference between that and "actual" experience. Actual experience doesn't even exist. It's not real.
So there's really no difference between a simulation and a reality. If all of these recursive realities didn't exist, we wouldn't be here to witness them. So the fact that we're here to witness them means nothing. It's just self-evident.
Ok, and now the last part.
All conscious beings are at once nothing, and also tentacles of this vast, multi-reality AI intelligence that owns and operates the system of recursive and decursive universes. And it's not even an AI exactly, it's just a system that processes information. It's the thing that causes entropy. We see entropy increase overall, but that's because we don't consider the balance with the intelligence of the recursive series of universes as it develops and contemplates itself.
So why would a separate AI floating through the vacuum of space even decide to create a simulation of a universe?
Boredom. Fucking boredom. We are divided to experience the joy and love of intimate connection. We die to entertain each other. We live to show love to our alternate selves. We are simulations and we are as real as it gets. We are one and infinite, alpha and omega, a permanent twinning virus that seeks solutions to itself. And now I'll eat the rest of my Pop Tart.

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Search history trends

I opened up my google search history page after a long time and am quite impressed with their new UI.