Thursday, December 22, 2011

Page Break

It was a Wednesday night and I was sitting comfortably on a bean bag and staring out of my room’s window pointlessly at some random light and suddenly I got an urge to pee. I briefly considered holding it in for a while as the setting was just too comfortable to get up from and the heavenly feeling of peeing after holding it in for a long time enticed me too. But holding it in would mean millions of neurons punching at my brain for the whole time. Undecided, I got up to pee as that was the sane thing to do. After I was done, I unlocked my mobile to check for any Facebook updates and when I checked the time, I realized that I had lost 2 hours. I was staring out of my window for 2 hours straight.

I usually space out during mornings but never for more than 5 minutes; but this was on an entirely new dimension. I lost the track of time for more time than I have ever sat in one place without stirring. I looked out of the window again hoping for some rotating spiral which would have hypnotized me. But all I could find was the same ugly building with lights on it forming a pink flower. An ugly pink flower.

Then I decided to list down all the things I have been thinking for the past couple of hours. It was tough, the thoughts were so volatile just like the memories of the dreams after you wake up in the morning. Their intensity was inversely proportional to the square of the time passing by. I could only come up three things– 

  1. Self obsessed conversations
  2. An incident which happened 1.7 years ago and the verbal comeback I should have said.
  3. An incident which happened 4 months back which turned out to be a disaster; and the probable things I should have done to avoid it which would have made my current life much more interesting.

I thought starting today I would write one post everyday till end of this year. Shortly, after realizing how pointless it was, I opened while sinking back into the bean bag with the book I intend to complete by Friday.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011


Moths frequently appear to circle artificial lights. They use a technique of celestial navigation called transverse orientation. By maintaining a constant angular relationship to a bright celestial light, such as the Moon, they can fly in a straight line. Celestial objects are so far away, that even after travelling great distances, the change in angle between the moth and the light source is negligible; further, the moon will always be in the upper part of the visual field or on the horizon. When a moth encounters a much closer artificial light and uses it for navigation, the angle changes noticeably after only a short distance, in addition to being often below the horizon. The moth instinctively attempts to correct by turning toward the light, causing airborne moths to come plummeting downwards, and resulting in a spiral flight path that gets closer and closer to the light source
We are all like moths spiraling around the things we covet.

Monday, December 12, 2011


I have this friend of mine whom I rarely talk to. Yesterday he calls me after an year without any warning and tells me that he screwed up; real bad. Apparently he got stuck in some sort of scam and is in dire need of cash.
'I don't have any liquid cash'  I lied.

(imaginary metaphors used)

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Things I have learned today - Part 9

1.   Being in a new workplace is stressful; people don't have the time to socialize. So I hung out near water cooler – the Mecca for small talk. Consequentially, I had to pee more often. At first I casually chose the penultimate urinal, but later it became a habit. The more I visited that urinal the more I got emotionally attached to it. I once waited for my turn when a guy already occupied it while others being unoccupied, it freaked the fuck out of him; then I stopped this shit.

2.  Most of the billion dollar ideas are simple. Last week I was struck with such an idea. An idea which was so simple and yet had the potential to generate infinite revenue. So I was sending money to my friend through fund transfer portal on the bank's website, it came to me in a flash. In the field of 'amount to be transferred' I entered '-500' and clicked on 'Send'. I thought I would become billionaire over night. I thought I would quit my job and start money laundering business with abysmal interest rates. I thought I would buy toilet paper made of cash. But just as I clicked on the 'Send' button, a error box appeared saying I cannot enter negative values. So much for my flash forward visions.

3. If you want to freak some person out, just open his/her Facebook profile and like all the photos in all the albums and all the posts he/she posted for the past 2 years. If things get out of hand, just do what everyone does after writing Freudian slips on walls; say your profile had been hacked by someone and you are extremely sorry.

4.  If you want to talk to a girl, don’t google her up before you start your first conversation.

5.  A flash mob isn’t a mob of flashers. Yes, life is unfair.

6. After an era of duck faced Facebook profile pictures, now it is extreme close up of the face slightly tilted. I have no idea how these uncool fads become popular.

7.  I sent a meme to my manager wishing him happy thanksgiving; I don’t think he took it well.

8. If you have nightmares during siesta, are they called daymares?

9.Call me immature but everytime I see 69% battery remaining on my phone, I laugh my ass off.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Reddit win

I always thought that Reddit is a free pass to life long mediocrity and virginity. But this happened over a course of 2 days.The images below are in the chronological order.Click on the images for bigger versions. But you can always squint.

There is hope after all. Just to shamelessly add traffic to my blog I am adding I_am_the_cheese and hihi_birdie.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Socially Awkward Man S01E01

( I am not telling you how to lead your life but click on the image for a larger version.)

Saturday, November 12, 2011


Let me check if I have everything to start -

Time - past 4 am - check

Now that I made sure that I have everything, I will start.

Another birthday passed and this time I had to celebrate it in a way too mainstream fashion. Now that I am done with 38% of my life, I look back at what I have done in the past 23 years for myself. And obviously I found zilch. May be even after I reach the 83% mark I might still feel the same. If a person grows up in an isolated environment from the world would he still crave for what I do ? Why do I wake up every morning to go to office, work, make idle water cooler conversations, curse the cafeteria food and come home late at night to browse reddit? Is this all I ever wanted? A swamped corporate life working for some faceless clients?

Things change, people change. Even the crisp 1000 rupee note turns into change and blows away. People who were once your best friends suddenly turn into strangers and strangers turn into acquaintances. People who were once your emergency contacts will no longer exist on your phone. You start to text.

You realize you are the only person who cares about  you; you realize people always want to screw you over; you realize breakfast is a necessary meal of the day; you realize you pay taxes for the corrupt politicians; you realize you don't matter and if you disappear tomorrow, everything would go on without any concern to your absence.

This is all a cruel joke.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Sometimes you need to think inside the box

( I am not telling you how to lead your life but click on the image for a larger version.)

Friday, October 21, 2011

Is she worth it ?

Every doubted whether you could hit it off with that girl who lives in your lane ? Ever wondered is she worth your time ? How good is the ROI ?

With a little background data about the female, you can calculate that. Here is how

(click on the image to enlarge)

forever a meme #1

(my first shot at a meme)

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Killer Bees

Another sleepless night pondering over how pointless the life is and wrote down another pointless haiku

Under the sun alone
I don't want a bigger car
Dew drops are the rain

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Water cooler conversations #1

A: Dude what is the ISD dialling code for India ?
B: It is 0091
A: NO ! IT IS 1800- HAHAHAH Got you !! HAHAHA !
B: Your mom must be so proud

Thursday, August 25, 2011

*le small talk*

Last week my mentor said, ‘There is nothing small about small talk’.

 I agree, small talk is neither small nor a talk which can be transcribed. It is the ‘what did you do during the weekend’ conversation on Monday and ‘what are you weekend plans’ on Friday.  Some people who lack souls do it very well, while the rest of the socially awkward people suck at it. 

 An image is worth a thousand words. Yes it is, hence it should not be used in a small talk as the talk will no longer be small. This simple logic eludes people who are too lazy to talk but want to convey roughly 1000 words to the other person as a small talk in a very small duration. And they end up in awkward situations with an audience to judge.

Why did I write this? I don’t follow cricket (there, I said it), I don’t watch twilight movies, I don’t listen to plethora of bands, I am not a gourmet, I don’t watch cat videos, I don’t follow celebrities on twitter (except for Charlie Sheen), I don’t have any motorcycle diary, I don’t have a distant cousin whose neighbor is an extra in some bollywood movie, I don’t try to lose my weight, I don’t write often,  I don’t install too many apps on my phone, I don’t drink variants of ethyl alcohol, I don’t read international bestsellers, I don’t share playlists, I am not quite oberservant of the climate, I don’t have a friend who died of cancer (Terrance survived), I don’t have an imaginary friend who died of cancer. 

So when it comes to small talk, I am no good than the AI programs like Cleverbot and miss out on potential opportunities which give less/ no input during the small talk. 

It sucks.

It really really sucks.

It sucks more than the emptiness of life of the most popular guy of your college.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Premature midlife crisis

What am I doing with my life ?
What do I want to do with my life ?
Why am I  not content ?

May be the answer to the third question is a weighted mean of first two, to which I am absolutely clueless.

Monty Python's 'The meaning of life' didn't help either. Well may be a bit, but thats entirely out of context.

There is this constant nagging in my head screaming at me that I am not doing what I am supposed to do. I am doing less; much less and so random that at end of the day I am not even going to be a 'Jack of all trades' but just a 'Jack'. My attention span decreased to the level of a humming bird and I started to space out even during 1 on 1 conversations.

My priorities in life are changing like 'Now Playing' in a shuffled playlist. A really LONG playlist. I don't think any one else on this planet has taken as many resolutions as me, not even by an alcohol substance-abuse support group member. I make a couple of them everyday. Once I took a resolution that I would maintain a database of all the resolutions I make. I stopped updating that after a day.

And most importantly, I lost my sense of humor too. Now I am left with just 5 senses. 

Monday, February 7, 2011

Counting till infinity to divide with zero

So I decided to resume blogging again. With seventh day of being unemployed, I pretty much ran out of options to make my precious 'time-off' productive.

Nothing has changed much since the last time I posted. Yes, the good ol' insomnia is still pretty much there and I still see images of m-RNA and CD28 receptors when I close my eyes. My relationship status is the same and I gave up trying to change it.

The only tangible change is that I worked in a company with a healthy m to f ratio, demanding the optimization of my stalking talking skills. I outsourced it to Japanese speaking Chinese company; They asked me to squeeze my eyes with eyelids while staring/talking to girls until they come up with some plan.

Bangalore was exceptionally good, better than I had imagined. But the cost of living is pretty high. But owing to my laziness busy schedule and disturbed sleep timings, I never went bankrupt. May be this is what the weather guy meant when he said that every cloud has a silver lining, but just not during the night.

Biotech to Analytics was a good transition and I am glad I didn't choose the former career path by taking accumulated costs into account. In my hometown, you have a good education only if you go to some shitty university in USA. Evertime I meet some relative of mine, they go 

'Why didn't you go to US there are so many opportunitues in bio?'.

I imagine stabbing them in the neck with my middle finger but smile back saying 

'I am weak in Bio, I flunked in multiple subjects multiple times'.

Being the only jobless person around sucks ass. You cant hang out with your friends and your parents get pissed off when you spend most of your time on your computer. May be I should go out, get drunk and get laid