Thursday, December 25, 2014

Things I have learned today - Part 16

If there is a baby in a car and there is no "baby on board" sticker on the car, did the big bang really happen? Seriously, what is with people who advertise that a drunk midget is in the back of their car? How would it possibly affect me?
Just when I am coming to terms with this dumbassery, a new bumper sticker which says "Mother to be onboard" is going viral. What makes you think that anyone would possibly care that you had unprotected sex? At this exact moment there are 11,457,297 'mothers to be' just in India. You are not one in a million, not even one-tenth in a million. No one cares about your unborn fetus, not even the little shit's dad.

Whenever some massacre happens in the world, all mainstream media outlets report it something similar to "Terrorist attack, 14 died including 4 women and 3 children". Why don't they report the number men who died too? Why do they always leave the math to men? I can still understand if they report the numbers of men and women and leave children out as it would serve as a practice word problem for the kids who are into Call of Duty. Also, is media sexist for not leaving the subtraction to women? Are they indirectly stating that women suck at math? Why leave men out? Is it because they are disposable and no one cares about them?

It is super easy to solve a rubik's cube if you are color blind.

I don't understand arranged marriages. A lot of people don't pre-order games/books stating that they would rather read the reviews before buying them, but they are perfectly fine with marrying a random person whom their parents's friend of friend  thought would be perfect match for them. Basically you are judging a book by its cover but you can not give specific preferences about the "cover" to your parents. What if "boobs" have a much higher weight in your rating model while "CGPA in bachelors" is the primary criteria for your parents?

What is more sad?

A: Are you coming to K's party?
B: No, I am not invited

A: Why didn't you come to K's party?
B: I wasn't invited

If you are a compulsive stalker and want to get paid for doing it, become a security guard at a TCS office.

Monday, November 10, 2014


Well, I am officially into my late twenties now and I am completely clueless on how to feel about this. I look back to see the things I have accomplished and my search yields "did you mean "things you thought you would do but never did"". Even after all that, I think that I have perfected some skills in life like to solve a Rubik's cube in under a minute or count backwards from 100 while skipping alternate prime numbers.

After completing 43% of my life on this planet, I feel very mortal, like Hitler who got accepted into the art school or Bin Laden who was raised by Mormons.

Sunday, September 14, 2014

Things I have learned today - Part 15

This post is sponsored by Monster energy drink, which is basically Red Bull, but for addicts. Last weekend I had experimented to see what would happen if I go on a strictly energy drink diet. These are a few points I could type down between the hour 45 and 45.25 -

  1. Why is the size 'L' called 'Large' instead of 'Little', you know a size smaller than 'Small'(S). Why isn't this a bigger problem? Why aren't more people getting confused with this convention? Hasn't enough time had passed to define these in the International System of Units? Now that I think about it, even bits and bytes aren't defined in the SI system. And we all act like this no big deal. AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!
  2. People are usually scared of ghosts, darkness, Cthulhu, commitment, Megalodon, hell, their ratings on innovation in their project performance, threesomes, killers with skull masks but are extremely courteous to call before breaking into your house, jokes involving Islam, Rakshabandhan and flash floods. But I have a fear since childhood which can easily top all of these. Imagine you are eating cheese popcorn while watching a movie and you drop some on your shirt. Now you casually pick it up and put it back in your mouth absentmindedly but it doesn't turn out to be popcorn. And it starts crawling in your mouth *gasp* *puke* I don't eat popcorn anymore.
  3. John McClain is efficient only after he gets beaten up and bleeds out of his left eyebrow. This is true for all the Die Hard movies.
  4. Whenever there is a debate about legalizing gay marriage, have two guys with names Adam and Steve on the panel just to mess with the homophobes. Whenever they go "It is Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve", the moderator should say "I am sorry, it is actually Adam and Steve" while pointing at them.
  5. In every party, there will be one obnoxiously loud woman who gets high on two bright colored sugary drinks and constantly wants validation and wallows in attention. You want to punch her in her face or call out on her bullshit, but you won't because you want to sleep with her friend.
  6. People who suffer with insomnia have a difficult time maintaining their dental hygiene. Mostly because they don't know when to brush/floss their teeth at night.  

Friday, August 15, 2014

Things I have learned today - Part 14

  • A girl in my office has a rainbow-sparkle resting face. If you think bitchy resting face is bad, this is worse than a 3 foot tapeworm in your large intestine. Last week when I was walking back to my desk from pantry, this girl was walking towards me with this happy-dent-self-luminous smile on her face. Distracted by my thoughts on sassy penguins, I casually returned a smile to her. She had abruptly stopped her smile and turned it into a questionmark with a slight hint of 'who-are-you'. Only then I had realized that she wasn't greeting me. She needs medical help or rehab or both.
  • Talking about office etiquette, when a person you know is walking towards you in the office aisle, when is the right time to acknowledge their presence and greet them? I made a schematic diagram for this analysis - 
  • What surprises me is that anyone can breed. Someone who has a doctorate in sub atomic energy distribution across quantized harmonics of electrons has the same right to have an offspring as a meth addict with 3 kids dead due to neglect and 4 being raised in foster homes. There should be a standardized qualification exam which the parents have to take right after the woman realizes that she is pregnant. If they fail to qualify, the woman should abort the child. Let the hate flow through the comments.
  • Wishing luck to your peers before an exam statistically decreases your grade if you are graded on a curve
  • 66.67% honesty is the foundation of all relationships
  • Why aren't bras made of brass?

Friday, May 23, 2014

Things I have learned today - Part 13

  • Jean Grey of X men doesn't need a push up bra, Cyclops is perpetually color blind, Mystique can make low budget multi-starer movies, Pyro would die of hypothermia if stranded in a rain forest and Only Jean/Storm push Professor X's wheel chair around. I wonder why; especially when the professor has telekinesis.
  • I don't understand why suicide is illegal. The only people who get convicted of this are the ones who fail at it. It is like the government saying - "If you are so dumb that you can't even kill yourself, you should not be allowed to breed"
  • Attractive doctors should't specialize in erectile dysfunction. It would be like trying to check the fuel level in your car with a lighter.
  • By the time I turn 50, the prime minister of India would have shared Yo Yo Honey Singh's videos on Facebook and would have watched at least two seasons of Big Boss. I am not sure if I am comfortable with that. 
  • I suspect that I might have become dumber in the past couple of years. I started to think in smaller sentences now.
  • It has been long since I posted here.I convinced myself that I am having a writer's block, that I don't have time, that I should buy a nazar raksha kawach, that I am not immature anymore, that I used up all my creative juice over a pointless office game but the truth is that I am being Manmohan Singh. Whipped from all directions.
  • I don't understand how can someone be rude to a complete stranger. What if the stranger turns out to be a serial killer who starves his victims to death so that he could stir fry his victims eye balls without adding butter?
  • When you die no one is going to remember your memories. Pensieve doesn't count.
  • When something is easy, people tend to say "It is a cake walk". I don't get it. I tried walking on cakes last weekend and it is fucking difficult; I smashed my face onto the floor seven times. The icing tasted decent though.

Friday, February 21, 2014

The end?

It has been long since I had posted here.  In my defense it has been long since I had an insomniac episode, edging caffeine crash and felt pointless at the same time.

After a long day in office, I often think about the bigger picture. Sometimes it gets out of control and I think about the universe as a whole. Like today, I was again wondering about the scalability of the visible universe. The atoms have the same structure as the solar system which in turn has the same structure as the milky way.

Imagine if we are a billion/trilllion times smaller than we are now, I think it is possible that at that scale what we perceive as a galaxy can be a simple electron which we see at our current size. Similarly if we were many times times larger, our galaxy might appear as an atom. I am not sure where I am going with this theory, but I wanted to show how the things we perceive are so narrow and we can not fathom to truly understand the size of the universe as we don't know which scale we should be looking at.

looking at

It is funny that the answer is right in front of us all the time. If we believe in our classical understanding of distance, the universe must end some where; except it doesn't. So obviously, what we perceive as a 3 dimensional space is a wrong representation of the universe. What we perceive is only a fraction of all the dimensions which can define the universe. Our eyes are evolved due to mutations to better suit the environment we lived in, to help us survive. "To perceive the universe" was definitely not a factor which would influence the early photo-sensitive cells for the organism's survival.

Simply put - we can not ever perceive the true shape & size (if at all these are the legit metrics to define it) of the universe because we are not built to do it. To give you an even simpler example, we can not use a plastic spoon to broadcast radio signals as it is clearly not built to interact with the radio waves. I am going to end this before I go into a caffeine crash.